Rapport is a wonderful and curious thing, where we seem to get on with someone instantly, or we feel as if we have become instant friends with someone we have just met.  How does that work?

What if you meet someone who just doesn’t like you, or you don’t like them, can you change the outcome?

In the two examples above, it’s likely something about the person reminded you of a friend or  a person you dislike, as your memories are stored as a gestalt, or groups of emotions, so if one feeling is triggered, so are all of the good or bad feelings at the same time, like dropping a match into a box of fireworks, BANG!!

The good news is that most of the time, the circumstances of the meeting have a protocol, giving you time to feel out the situation before it gets out of hand.  The other person is normally as apprehensive as you are, and is relieved if things go smoothly, so lets look at the key things to consider.

People like to deal with other people they know, like and trust.  Almost everyone in this world is too busy and focussed on their own issues, to pay attention to other peoples needs.  Consequently, if another human being is nice to them, it is so unusual, they sit up and take notice, and are pre-disposed to be nice back.

I don’t mean give people a fake smile and make an insincere attempt at flattery, that just upsets people. You need to go first, by entering the emotional state you want to transfer to the person you are meeting.  Remember 65% of communication is non-verbal, so its looks, body language, attitude and how you project yourself.  Be genuinely interested in the other person, think how you would love to be treated but seldom are.

Rapport is about meeting the other person on their level, so match their breathing rate, the speed at which they speak, the speed they blink at, these may seem tiny and inconsequential points, but the other persons unconscious mind will notice.  Their posture will change to appear more relaxed, and importantly, you will not appear to mimic them.

Once they begin to relax, you can adopt more obvious matching and mirroring techniques such as sit the way they do, use your hands the way they do, etc.  If you start off by trying too hard to match them physically, they will often feel uncomfortable, but not know why.  If they see you copying every movement they make, they will think you are just a mimic.

Verbally, you need to listen to the words they use, their tone of voice, and delivery, which will give you a clue to their personality.  In NLP, there are eye movements which can give you further indications of their preferred words and how they process information.  These are known as Visual, Auditory and Kinasthetic, VAK, types, although in practice, most people operate using a combination of types.

If you would like to discover these in more detail, please visit the Training Course section above and click on our NLP Masterclass.